My 2010 resolution - 353 days of creating a life to love

What if your wish list would become your to do list?

2010-11-20T10:26:00.006-05:00

I was thinking today on wish lists and to do lists. They are both the same type of life-happening lists, only that on the to do list we may have things that we don't like and really want to do. Also the one on the to-do list are more urgent then the one on the wish list. Anyways I was thinking, what am I waiting for to put all the wish things on the to do list? What's stopping me to have it all now and what's in the way?

First that came to mind was of course the classing excuse: no time and no money. Aren't this the big stoppers in our lives? If I would only have the time or money to do it... I noticed thou that actually those are not the cause for me not having my wish list on the to do list. If I have to fix my car, like my break just starting whistling on me the other day, the time and money becomes an non issue instantly. I got to fix my car, so I just made time and I just made a budget for it. Just like that. What I sow was that what had me create a space for that to happen was simply of matter of prioritizing as a thought in my head, and not the time/money situation as I thought it is.

If it's just a matter of creating an urgent priority thought in my head, then I could basically create that for any item on my wish list, couldn't I? I could. So what's in the way is not really the lack of time and money, but rather the reasoning thought that I lack those. It's not real, as when my car started making a noise, the time and money become available right away without even further consideration. So I already had the time and money but I related to them as they are not accessible and made that be my reality.

Are the reasoning thoughts really what has us not get the life we'd love to live? How do I create an urgency for the wish list to become my daily to do list? Does my car needs to break to have it taken care of? DO I need to reach 200pounds to seriously start considering dropping the extra weight that it's been piling up? Do I have to be really truly miserable at work to leave it for my dream job? Do I need to run myself down to create the urgency to build me up?

Obviously this is the way I've been operating. Does it "need" to be like that? Well, not really! There's no "need" to be any other way but what I choose to. To me, it's quite free-ing to realize that I do have the time and money if I would only relate to something as being demandingly urgent.

So what I'm up to next is to bring that to my wish list, and make a priority out of creating a life to passionately and madly fall in love with...

Lady Gaga's interview opened up a new mental space for me

2010-11-09T22:06:00.007-05:00

I watched an interview last night with Lady Gaga. Now this is not something that I would normally do, but I was looking to watch something different. Well I must say it generated thoughts for me that literary created a new reality to live in. I felt deliberated from old mind patterns and tried on new thoughts.

"I want your ugly
I want your disease
I want your everything
As long as it’s free
I want your love"

The way she was explaining lyrics like this opened up something new for me. To me what she was saying on loving wholly was about expanding and taking ownership on the way we see the world. I got present that I have sooooo many pre-fabricated ideas, like how love is suppose to look, how life is suppose to turn and how things are suppose to run. Do you know what I mean? I really sow how many of my thoughts are not original but rather "borrowed" from my surroundings.

What if I create a world where there's no prerequisite expectations on "how to" love? A reality in which I could love even the parts that you think no one would ever love about you, the ugly and the disease? It's pretty much loving unconditionally, isn't it? What if I would create my thoughts to be empowering me at all times and in any circumstances?

I am the creator of my own occurring world after all, "ain't" I?

decluttering my to do list

2010-11-09T21:13:00.011-05:00

I just had a thought today, that I'd wish to finish everything that I proposed myself to do by the end of the year. You know, anything from painting the kitchen, redecorating the bedroom, selling some old stuff or losing 20 pounds - to seeing a good opera or throwing that cool awsome party. Anything really, that could physically happen within 50 days. All those things on the to do list that are moving from one day to the other, or get dropped between the lines.

What are the things that you always wanted to do but you're keep procrastinating on? I invite you to join me and pledge to a 50 day journey to complete 100 things from the "to do list" by the end of the year. What difference would it make to you if you could cross out 100 things from your to do or wish list?

Well I can tell you one thing, would be a hell out of a de-clutter to get rid of any of these annoying things that are keep popping out in my mind to have them done. Would definitely clear up some emotional and mental space!
I'll start my 100 things list in random order here:

1. renewing my Romanian passport (requires traveling to Washington)
2. going to see the Dali show at High Museum of Art
3. painting up the living room
4. cleaning the carpet
5. throwing an art party where you get to paint and take home your own painting
6. getting tickets for the Nutcracker
7. posting unwanted stuff for sale on craigslist or eBay done!
8. getting a bookshelf for my growing collection
9. fixing my car in the works!
10. organizing my office file by file in the works!

11. putting my kids on in ballet class/ gym class
12. creating artworks for all my frame collection
13. organizing my closet half way there!
14. dropping 15 pounds
15. getting a new bed!!!!!
16. writing 10 poems and joining a read aloud group on meetup.com
17. designing new business cards
18. understanding my daughter's DSI game (reading the manual, oh I suck at electronics)
19. creating a shopping cart for my art website to sell my paintings in the works!

20. calling my old friend to catch up
21. start using my gym subscription
22. visiting a chiropractor for my back pain
23. installing the software for my mini digital camera
24. reinstalling the operating system to my desktop
25. getting a new hammock
26. painting my kitchen cabinets inserts with chalkboard paint
27. getting a new lamp switch for my lamps
28. going on a bicycle ride with my kids
29. finish up the last book I've started reading
30. organizing my computer files

to be continued...

decluttering part three

2010-10-27T17:46:00.002-04:00

I've donated about 5 huge bags so far of clothes my family and I were not really using. I can't believe we had so much stuff that was not used. It's crazy. I've been complaining for not having enough but actually I was overloaded. Then couple of more bags with toys that were sitting under the bed, or in the back of the closet. I suspect that I could get rid of even more...

It feels amazing, like I got rid of a big load of heaviness off my back!

What I found it was quite difficult in this process is deciding what to keep and what to let go. I thought it's going to be easy like go in, discard them and done. Not so easy: each item end up being evaluated and reevaluated quite few time. "Would I not need it at some point? What if it comes back in fashion? This one is so cute! Maybe I can wear it again if I drop 20 pounds! Oh, wow, this is way too adorable! Could I make a pillow out of this??" Question were pouring down. Then I really got how attached I am to things. So attached that I was holding on to unnecessary stuff, weighing down my closets.

I'm up next to go trough all my art crafts, paintings, sketches, notebooks, salvaged pieces. That's part of my work stuff. I know it will be hard to part ways to little snippets I am holding on for years.

And to think that a year ago, when I moved from New York City to Atlanta I got rid of half my stuff. How quickly can I pile it back up!

declutering part two

2010-10-26T20:25:00.001-04:00

Here's the deal: no more processed food, no more artificial anything, just fresh, locally grown if possible, produce in as un-altered state as possible. 80% vegan - 20% of animal descendence. Whole grains, raw nuts, vegetables, fruits on the large side and yogurt, eggs, fresh meat on the short side.

Here's what I came with from the supermarket. I live in Sandy Springs , GA and I yet to find a real farmer's market, the kind that you go on the street to bargain for a fresh product. Let me know if you know where! I used to go to that big mexican farmers market and realized that all those vegetables were brought in frozen, shipped in huge containers months ahead. They would go bad one day after you brought them home. So that does not work for me.

I found this amazing recipe for a Madrid Gazpacho Soup. This soup is an easy, raw, blender soup. Blend 3 large tomatoes, 2 cucumbers, 1 red pepper, and 1 small jalapeno pepper. Add 1 quart of distilled water, 3 tablespoons olive oil, the juice of 2 lemons, 1-teaspoon ground cumin, 2 teaspoons sea salt, and add garlic to taste. I did not think this could taste so delicious. I'm very excited about this find.

Going forward on the journey of decluttering, I'll keep you posted.

decluttering my life

2010-10-26T18:28:00.002-04:00

I've started recently on a journey of uncluttering my house. You know, get rid of all that unnecessary stuff, used once-in-a-blue-moon-items and unusable leftovers. Along the way, I realized that there's more clutter in my life then just inside my house. I looked at my eating habits and I sow the clutter of processed foods, artificial simulated aromas and sweet junkies. So I started thinking of decluttering my inside space too. With that intention in mind, I started seeing more clutter: the emotional one this time bursting out - emotions and feelings that I may have suppressed or ignored, or pretend they don't exist. I could not stop now so going further I had to notice the mental clutter: all sort of thoughts that I've been holding on to for a while, disempowering internal conversations, judgmental debrief and not very nice cramped jargons. I sow then the habitual clutter: senseless routines gathered along the way that I was holding on to thinking that they define who I am, then some habits that I did not really love, still took on along the way.

So I'm now embarking on a journey of fully decluttering my life, one item at a time, one thought at a time.

Day 214, 101 days to go. Surround yourself with amazing people.

2010-09-21T08:44:00.002-04:00

I've been working at empowering people, being an unwavering stand for them to believe in themselves and their dreams. Their potential is so obvious. However these people are so enrolled in disempowering conversations about themselves, are so defensive, and so confronted when someone would just not take their crap for real. They take offence for being confronted on their amazingness. You have anyone like that in your life? I feel you, it takes a huge commitment to be a stand for people being amazing when they pretend not to know that about themselves.

So I had a new thought this evening. I'm thinking to surround myself with fulfilled, committed, powerful, nurturing, happy people who live amazing lives already and are in touch with their possibilities now. I want for a change to expand myself by partnering with the one who are in alignment with themselves. So I decided to look for and hang out with such. When you surround yourself with amazing people the sky is the limit. I heard once Oprah saying a wise thing: “Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher.”

I believe that the biggest adventure one can take is to live the life of their dreams. Living outside this adventure is like dyeing before your life is over.

So powerful courageous fearless people out there, here I come!

Day 233, 120 days to go. Hey, I'm back!

2010-09-01T14:34:00.001-04:00

Wow, I just calculated that I haven't been blogging for 65 days now. That's more then two months!

Well I am back!!! I'm still excited and inspired by my resolution, which is creating a life to absolutely love.

What I want to share today is a thought that crossed my mind that is intriguing me. It's a wish actually. My wish is that I would "foolishly and irremediably" fall in love with myself. I know it may sound narcissistic and self involved but it's not that what's I'm talking about. The most important relationship I'll ever have is with - me. I'm always here. And I sow that I am the measure of which I see the world. So, I'm up to create a big scoop, if you know what I mean. In falling in love with myself, I am giving myself one of selfless gifts I have for others. The gift of my love.

"When you fall in love with yourself, you can't help but experience a wonderful sense of discovery."

Day 168, 185 days to go. Thoughts on being authentic.

2010-06-30T14:19:00.010-04:00

I ran into this quote today: "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience" Teilhard de Chardin has beautifully said.

I've been giving some thoughts lately on being authentic. It's hard not to notice and then ask myself this retorical questions:

Why do we continue to stay in an unhappy job, day after day? Why are we afraid to leave destructive relationships? Or why we continue to behave in a way that isn't healthy, like smoking, drinking or eating too much?

I'm starting to get this: when our behavior doesn't match our values, we are not living authentically.

If I'd live an authentic life, I'd be living the life that resonates with my inner being. I would not bind myself with destructive habits, relationships or lifestyles. I would gain inner strength and let go of manipulation, power plays, cruelty and hatred. I won't be afraid of truth, and I'd deal with fear in a better way.

To live and be my authentic self, I must free myself from my own habitual prison. I must think for myself and create my own thoughts, needs and desires. Then, I am being authentic.

I hear someone say "my home is within myself". Being authentic is a journey that will lead one to incredible things, mostly THEMSELVES.

Are YOU willing to finally go home?

Share with me your thoughts.

Day 159, 194 days to go. Where I am today.

2010-06-21T16:51:00.002-04:00

There are almost 6 months left of this year. Time flies by so quickly. I'm working organically towards this new year resolution. I've proudly lost 10 pounds, just by being more considerate on what I eat, keep it healthier and regulate. I've rented and art studio and started doing art again. I had so far 4 authors and 3 others are being scheduled for this year! I've been invited to represent Romania at Kennesaw State University trough a personal exhibit. I've been commissioned to do art. I've started doing yoga and I end up enjoying it as I never thought possible. More over, I've started reading constantly and that gives me unprecedented great pleasure.

We moved to Atlanta from NYC. I flew here on my own, found a home that we're still enjoying to the maximum. We've paid 30% less then out neighbors for more features. I found this place in one day. I fund-raised my trip to Houston, TX. I got to meet there with my cousin that I haven't seen in 18 years. My parents are visiting from Romania for 6 weeks now. We're having the best time ever. My 8 year old daughter got 3 prices this year at school - her first year in public school. I got acknowledged for being an unstoppable advocate for her progress by the counseling team at school.

I made new friends. People look at me and tell me I'm amazing. I'm not fully present to that yet, but I'm sharing all this with you, because none of this would have been possible a year ago. I was caught in the despair of an unhealthy relationship, financial worries and unfulfilled career. I was complaining most of the time.

It's so amazing to me how it all rests in our perception, in our view of ourselves and of life. I tried on a program at Landmark Education, called The Forum. I did it out of despair, thou I made sure I collected prior all negatives on this kind of things. I made sure I know all the contras, all the complains al the s..t around it, but the promise of 3 days making a difference in my life, won.

Well it worked out. I know now that I did all the work, no-one has altered my universe. The program is giving you some tools, it's up to each to use them. And I did, by trying something else on.

My husband paid for it. Was the best $420 he ever spent on me. I ended up later paying him back by sponsoring The Forum for him. He got a lot out of it also. He's making more money, doing what he loves, starting playing (he never played before). Tennis, chess, car racing, wall climbing. Playing with the kids. Takes me on more dates then he ever did before. Complains much less.

I'm sure I would have rich all these eventually, but not so fast and not so easy. When you're looking for what's wrong - you will gather lots of proof on it. Same way I started noticing all the pregnant women around me when I got pregnant. Whatever one focuses on, will notice more of it.

I'm focused now on what I love. And more of it is showing up. The process it's easy, but what's hard is rewiring the mental patters to a new unfamiliar way of being. More about that soon.

Have a miraculous day. Why not?

Day 109, 240 days to go. Raising funds to get to Houston, TX

2010-05-05T23:29:00.004-04:00

Thanks to all who donated so I can make it to Texas. You are all extraordinary people, thank you for making a difference in my life.

Day 109, 240 days to go. My SELP project gets ready to fly

2010-05-04T22:47:00.001-04:00

Finally I got out of being stuck and took some action on my project. I contacted the manager of our Apartment Complex and he was ecstatic about the idea of creating a club. He offered to support us with a space for it, refreshments, advertising and even asked me if I want to do it on their sister property at Rockledge - as they just created multiple club house spaces. How cool is that! He gave me the contact info for the marketing director and told me he is ready to go right away.

So far I have few neighbors enrolled and ready to go, Jay Marsh which is thinking of leading a side walk chalk club for kids, Shannon Myers who would like to offer a yoga class in the meditation area of garden and my friend Juni Hsieh who offered to bring in a free monthly financial workshop for our interested residents. And myself too, as a professional visual artist, I am excited to offer drawing and painting classes for all ages.

I'm super excited to have the first club meeting take place! By the way you are invited to any of the activities. Just let me know! That is for you too Anja, you know you are to take an art class!

Day 109, 240 days to go. Help Needed

2010-05-04T22:40:00.000-04:00

Does anyone have unwanted AIRFARE MILES to donate to help me get to Houston TX, to recuperate my missed workday 3 at Landmark Edu within the SELP program? I will draw a portrait for every donation I get. To have an idea of what drawings I do, please se www.inthatmood.com. Please help! D

Day 96, 253 days to go. My community project.

2010-04-21T13:17:00.003-04:00

So it's been a while since I've been posting and I can't wait to tell you all what I am up to now.

The Self Expression and Leadership program at Landmark is way on it's way now, and beautiful breakdowns opened up doors for amazing breakthroughs. It's all about being related, transforming your community and being of contribution.

Imagination at Play - a community project crammed with possibilities - is about creating a bonded community for the residents at Glenlake Apartments Complex. Trough creating a club - that would feature free art classes for all ages, book reading meetings, kids chalk drawing fun, story telling, scrabble competitions, yoga in Zen garden wellness, financial workshops and much more - the possibilities are endless. Having fun, getting related and creating long-lasting friendships by either leading a class or simply participating in it, it's being connected that transforms a neighborhood in a community.

If you want to be part of this project or learn more about it, contact me at dianatoma@gmail.com.

Day 81, 268 days to go. My new art exhibition.

2010-04-06T10:50:00.002-04:00

It's my pleasure to invite you to my new art exhibition here in Atlanta, on Wednesday, April 14, 6:00 - 8:30 PM, to share with us bits from our big love for The Earth, manifested in an all recycled materials art creations, that celebrates our genuine care for our environment. Will be an evening of cozy art contemplation, good wine and great company!

The gallery is also open for the Studioplex Fourth Friday Art Stroll (April 23rd).

http://www.jackartgallery.com/

Day 59, 290 days to go. Your life as your own private playgroud.

2010-03-15T10:01:00.019-04:00

Nothing like a good re-evaluation to remind yourself of what you are working towards. You know that list you had made at some point, when you felt eager to stop procrastinating and take charge of your life? It's time to get it out from that old drawer, blow the dust away from it and remind yourself of what is it that would make a difference in the quality of your life. It's also a good way to check to see where you're at, what have you accomplished, what has changed, and what it is to be added new. And if you never made such a list on a paper, for sure you had made it in your head. I'd wish I had this, I wish I'd be that, or I hope to get there. We all have those thoughts and if you never tryed on doing a list, maybe now it's the time to put it all out in writing, just as a payfull way to understand better how your plans and wishes transform over time. Have fun with it, your life is your own private playgroud afterall!

Here is my list that I made 59 days ago. I wanted:

1. a happy, fun-filled, deep-connected, truly-intimate relationship with the significant one

2. a healthy bodily weight, which for me is somewhere between 130 and 140 lbs

3. an active, fit life style that includes but not limited to nature-trips, hiking, biking, roller-skating, swimming, playing tennis, rock-climbing, dancing

4. an enhanced and effective communication with my parents and close relatives

5. a close-bounded relationship with my two children, where domination and controlling is replaced with discipline, playfulness, camaraderie and patience

6. to teach my kids to speack Romanian - by the end of the year to cary a fluent coversation in Romanian

7. a fulfilling professional life consisting in art exhibitions and interesting projects regulary, and new exciting opportunities within design related areas (graphic design as well as interior design - upcycling)

8. to increase revenue, to effortlessly cover all my personal and family related expenses plus a surplus to be saved for retirement, kids college and for traveling purposes

9. to create a community around family and also around career related areas

10. cto create new friendships while reinforcing old ones, building steadily a strong and stable support system

11. to travel to new places like the Grand Canyon, Golf of Mexico and California

12. to start a bucket list and accomplishing at least two items from it

13. to have the experience of giving myself fully to love, with no conditions, no reservations, no guilt or regrets

14. to be feeling and being at peace with myself, manifested trough acceptance of what is so, self love, relatedness and easy goingness

15. to contribute to others in ways that makes a noticeable positive difference

16. to be playful and laugh a lot

You know, after all I did not do as bad as I thought. I'm working towards my happiness with my husband, whatever that puts us, by generating a commitment to family. I've started doing yoga and power walks, I lost 5 pounds, I played a bit of tennis and roller-skated once, I've been in touch with my parents much more often and reconnected with an old friend. I've started new friendships and been more related. I've contacted galleries for potential art shows and I am in conversation with them. I've started my bucket list and did some research on accomplishing some from it.

And I noticed that almost 60 days later I am still enrolled in the same things. I give myself an imaginary pat on the shoulder. Let's do it, let's do it all!

Day 60, 294 days to go. The hair cut results.

2010-03-11T21:15:00.002-05:00

Thanks y'all who call me just to say it looks great! I really love it too!

Day 55, 307 days to go. Fitness and more.

2010-03-06T14:08:00.003-05:00

I'm in my second month of vinyasa yoga class, hold for free at the Sandy Springs library. My poses are already deeper and easier to hold. It's amazing how a position can look so easy to do, but so difficult to keep for couple of minutes. Synchronizing breath and movement it's also a challenge and the balancing poses are ridiculous hard.

I walked today there, it's about 2.5miles away. It's all part of my new mission to power walk daily two miles or more . My place is on a two miles loop so I'm walking in a big circle. The walk is hard because it's going uphill and the pain in my feet can be crazy intense, but the trail is so gorgeous and the nature so diverse that you forget about it. I took some photos in one of my walks, you can see them here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/dianatoma/sets/72157623432720767/

Weather has gotten so pretty and I'm so excited for spring to come in. The swimming pool looks sparkly and shiny, can't wait to be jumping in it!

I'm starting the Self Expression seminar at Landmark next Saturday. I hope it will deliver to it's promise. It's been about four months since my last seminar there. I'm missing the comunity feeling so I'm happy to be part of that one more time.

Day 54, 308 days to go. When a woman can’t change anything else in her life, she changes her hair.

2010-03-05T21:49:00.009-05:00

I'm planning to change my haircut from this:

to this:

What do y'all think?

Here's a really good article about when a woman changes her hair: http://www.andtheylivedhappilyeverafter.com/53.htm Love this part towards the end: "If your wife comes home with a shorter hair cut one day, consider yourself warned." Lol, funny but true!

Day 53, 301 days to go. Hot wind squalling between my thoughts.

2010-03-04T13:28:00.003-05:00

I finally heard the hot wind squalling between my thoughts, running up and down against my tall standing preconceived ideas. It was so noisy in there that I could not notice the difference between the blustering rush and my own thoughts. Now I can sit aside and contemplate this first seen avantgardist painting of an abstract night falling in the hot desert, cooling off the sand and inviting all animals out to hunt for tomorrow. You're right the aurora borealis could not be seen in the desert. One's mind is too sterile when harmony's absent and fertile ideas can grow only at nurturing sites.

Day 45, 309 days to go. "Challenge-ly" challenged.

2010-02-24T23:46:00.005-05:00

I'm unchallenging myself as radical reaction to what I'm experiencing these days. I'll take the "don't ask don't tell" approach on this one. Have a happy November workout!

Day 44, 310 days to go. What makes me happy.

2010-02-23T10:55:00.004-05:00

I want to revisit the study that I mentioned in one of my first posts, about how happiness is a function of social interaction and relationships.

The study was making a case that we are biologically programmed for relationships. The need for relationships appears to be part of our biological legacy: we evolved in small, social groups, probably of about 150 or so. Human babies are more interested in human faces than other patters or shapes. People with good relationships tend to be more successful at school, work, and also financially. Further, laughter is 30 times more likely to occur in a group situation than a solitary one. Relationships are essential for happiness and it seems we need to keep working on our relationships throughout our lives.

I was just contemplating this morning how one of the happiest moments of the day is when my little one crawls into our bed, pushing and touching me with soft little hands. How she just sits or lays on me, scrolling her way into me like you would search to find most comfortable spot in a bean bag. I love to kiss her in return and whisper l love you, to tell her how everything she has - I made, by “baking it” in my womb oven for whole 9 months. How I made her little toes, her heels, her knee cap, her belly button, her bone chicks and so on, touching them as I speak. She loves it, laughs out loud, gets tickled and she yells “nooooo, that’s all mine!”. We love to hug and kiss all morning, giggle and talk silly until the time gets late and have to jump up rushing. It's wonderfull and I thought to just share it with you.

Day 43, 311 days to go. Creating interesting spaces.

2010-02-22T22:06:00.019-05:00

I've started playing with my apartment, out of boredom or better say out of heat in my studio - I can't go there until the weather gets warmer. So I thought of posting some of the things I am playing with. These little games bring me lot of pleasure and much fun. Actually, I am looking for a job that would have me do just that: repurpose objects, up-cycle and upgrade visual looks. It could be home decor, or jewelry, or art works or fashion related - anything that has to do with some sort of design. If you hear of any job like that - let me know!!!

This is my new chandelier creation, made out of plastic shopping bags. It covers a hideous outdated brass lamp that we are not allowed to change - as this is a rental apartment, so I had to find a removable solution for dressing it up. The oversized look has a great presence in the room - my hubby calls it "the wedding dress chandelier". The top part is crisp white, made out of target shopping bags, has a slight reddish iridescent interior, as I turned the red print side towards inside, and the bottom part is from beige supermarket bags that matches the wooden grain color from the table underneath. My table is round so this shape is a nice complement to that. I also created paper cones around each shade, to give it a contemporary look and more weight and interest at the bottom. Cost: FREE. Time to assemble it: after few try-outs about 20 min.

Day 39, 315 days to go. Happy couch.

2010-02-18T12:10:00.002-05:00

Day 34, 320 days to go. Sadness.

2010-02-13T22:21:00.008-05:00

I'm so sad, so incredibly sad. It's overwhelming and heavy. I don't know how to deal with my marriage, with my life partner. Everything I try fells lamentably, more sadness gathers and I feel so alone. All between us is disconnected, there is nothing left from what connected us one day. I'm torn apart between staying and going, between working to salvage some and starting over. A feeling of deep loss is staggering around. How can two people who once enjoyed each other feel so much like uncomfortable strangers forced to share the same breathing air?

Day 33, 321 days to go. B-day thoughs.

2010-02-13T00:40:00.008-05:00

Yesterday was my little one's birthday. She's 3 now. Isn't it amazing how time flyes by.

Day 31, 323 days to go. One month gone already

2010-02-10T19:36:00.014-05:00

Ink on carboard.

One month is gone already. It's time to re-evaluate the resolution. It's going too slow and I am behind with initial plans so I'm up to reinvent and create new ways.

I have a new resolution for this month and maybe further more: to do every day something that would make me proud of myself. Little or big - that's secondary. It could be from being on time for the morning school drop off to just restoring integrity when a promise was not kept. It could be something as small as smiling to a person or saying good morning to the door man. Something that would count for someone, or something and mostly - me.

I want also to start a creative journal, a place to write down creative ideas right when they come. I just had this idea today to hang in my bathroom paints and brushes for anyone who sits on the throne to paint something on the walls. You don't need to be an artist for that. Just to stimulate the production of new ways of doing things. And if your bathroom looks like a million bucks and you would never ever consider such primitive scholastic way to torture the walls- don't think I'm crazy - mine does not!

Day 30, 324 days to go. Catching up.

2010-02-09T23:21:00.016-05:00

This is created from a photo I took with some roses I received, it's a detail from the leaves, tortured in Photoshop. I thought is melancholic and delicate as a love declaration...

It has been really hard to stay up to date with the challenge. My little one is sick and takes all my time. I'm falling behind with my work-work. I don't get to write as much as I want but I am at least posting a sketch. I am missing a support system, but I'm still standing strong, I will not give up. How is everyone else doing?

Day 29, 325 days to go. Just playing around.

2010-02-08T08:49:00.005-05:00

More cheating with an older artwork. Playing around with textures, old drawings and photos.

Day 27, 327 days to go. Childhood memories.

2010-02-06T12:01:00.004-05:00

This is a combo of digital images and hand made drawings, scanned and maneuvered together in Photoshop. I cheated here by the way, this is an older artwork that I posted because I did not draw today.

Day 26, 328 days to go. Fatherhood.

2010-02-05T20:08:00.013-05:00

That's my baby father with his 1st child when she was about 3 months. The tattoo like floral models is digitally created in Photoshop.

Isn't Mark Twain deliciously ironic?

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years." ~Mark Twain

Day 25, 329 days to go. Russian Girl.

2010-02-04T21:44:00.017-05:00

This is a hand drawn collage, with photographic elements added (the bird, the Kremlin building, the Russian state symbol tattoo). It is inspired by a love poem by cousin wrote about falling in love with a stranger in one of his visits to Russia.

I also found this beautiful quote by my favorite children books writter:
"When you are in love you can't fall asleep because reality is better then your dreams" --Dr. Seuss

Day 24, 330 days to go. Emotional being.

2010-02-03T10:53:00.011-05:00

Today's composition is a digital collage of old photos, textures and type. I love the fluffiness of the text, the raw contrast between bright yellow and red, and the nostalgic fantomatic presence of an old etching print of a duel.

This quote by Mark Twain is cracking me up!

Day 23, 331 days to go. February challenge

2010-02-02T22:34:00.007-05:00

Hi y'all, how's everybody doing with their challenge? I've started designing today, I've decided to have all my February graphic designs in a Polaroid format. Here's my no1.

Some of you have shown interest in my challenge but decided to bail off before even starting. You mastered some great excuses. I encourage you all to be un-reasonable and challenge yourself to do something, even if it takes just 1 minute a day. Can you do 1 minute?!

I love challenges. I could eat challenges for breakfast lunch and dinner. My friends say I'm competitive, maybe it comes from that. It's exciting, it's motivating, and the biggest the challenge, the coolest the ride. Travis White was saying "challenges are what we live for." With that said, I dare you to challenge me!

Day 22, 332 days to go. My challenge to YOU continued

2010-02-01T23:43:00.007-05:00

Hi y'all,

It's exciting, some of you have post your commitments in comments, some of you have sent me emails. This is really great and inspiring! Thank y'all.

While it's been great to hear from you by email, please also post your comments on the blog, so everyone can share from your experience. You may stay anonymous. Here are the commitments I got via email:
- to not get upset no mater what
- to do something unreasonable everyday for the rest of the month
- to kiss your wife good bye and hello, each time they leave for work
- to take a deep breath while listening to your heart beat
- to have a real conversation in the elevator
- to answer all your calls in
- to go to gym daily (that's ambitious!)
- to listen to your kid when he talks (lol)

I want to extend my challenge and ask you to share every day for this 28 days a little comment from the commitment you took on. Something to let us all know how you doin'. Especially you anonymous, who took on doing daily something that you usually cannot do! That's brave!

To pump it up I'm raising my own bar and together with blogging every day I am going to commit for this month to design something / create a new sketch every day. Can be a drawing, an idea, a collage, an object, anything at all. And I am going to post my design with each post.

This is exciting! I will be waiting to hear from your commitment tomorrow!

Cheers,
Diana

Day 21, 333 days to go. My challenge to YOU

2010-01-31T00:38:00.014-05:00

Ok, this post has to do with me not doing my daily blogging, as promised. I'm in trouble and I need your help. I am challenging you to inspire each other.

We’re all trying to get better at what we do. Or at least we wish we would. It all starts with a wish. It goes kinda like this: wishing > wanting > trying > doing. Someone once said, “Practice makes perfect“. While that statement might not be completely true, I do believe that practice makes you better. That is why in this blog post, I would like to propose something to every one of you: to practice something every day for one month. A new month is starting right this Monday. It is the shortest month of the year! For 28 days commit to something daily.

Actors rehearse their lines until they learn them perfectly. Musicians practice their songs until every note is just right. Athletes practice their particular sport so they can excel. Why can’t we do the same? Ask any successful person in the community about how they have succeeded and they will attribute much of their success to practice. I challenge you today to practice something daily. Take five to fifteen minutes daily and devote it to practice something.

I'm sure there's something out there that you wanted to try on for a long time, but you never got to. Let's do it together! You have nothing to lose but everything to gain. Let's prove it to ourselves and to the world that we can commit successfully to something for 28 days!

Once you decide on what is it that you want to practice (can be anything, from going to sleep at the same hour everyday, to doing 10 push-ups, to much complex matters), post it in a comment to my post so everyone reading it can be inspired. And to help us all stay motivated to do it. You can remain anonymous if so you wish, it does not matter.

And don’t worry or get discouraged if you miss a day due to other more important commitments. The key is to jump back into it as soon as possible. Keep doing it, and try your best to stay consistent. Like running a marathon, what matters most is to cross the final line!

Whatever the mind can believe, it can achieve. Let's do it!

Day 15, 339 days to go. Relationships

2010-01-25T16:44:00.005-05:00

I'm getting lately that no relationship is too bad. Any relationship could be transformed completely when both partners are taking responsibility for what they are creating. When that happens, the miraculous takes place and possibilities are countless.

I am not saying that one should necessarily stay in a "bad" relationship just because it could potentially be transformed. I am just a strong believer that any two people could have a great relationship. Not that convinced about matters as soul mates, just one right partner out there for you. Two people could be related, similar, kindred or alike more or less, but also opposites attracts, two can complete each other and/or complement.

I think that ultimately relationships are about getting our own needs met, often on and unconscious basis. The rest is a matter of which society are you a product of - if a western one - and neither does bad things to the other, they can fall in love.

My personal experience showed me that a relationship can be very satisfying and fulfilling if I see it as an opportunity to transform rather then an expectation of being "made" happy. In the same time happiness is a function, an effect of a fulfilling relationship.

What I made possible with the help of Landmark and other events lately was to let go of resentments and regrets. And most importantly, I discovered that taking responsibility is key in any completion process.

The three major relationships in my life my relationship with my father, ex husband and present husband have been transformed irreversibly. And what I am creating now is so surprising, so excitingly and intriguingly new. More about that in my next posts.

Blessings,
Diana

Day 14, 340 days to go. Avatar

2010-01-24T22:02:00.015-05:00

The Avatar movie was incredible! Oh, I have fallen in love with that fantasy world, that magnificent place with creatures and living beings that you never imagined before! I just wanted to see more of that!

One thing that I would have preferred to see, as a different way of ending, not so Hollywood classic: good conquers evil, another way would have been to have the bad guys transform in good guys - we don't see that too often! I wish the gung-ho Colonel Quaritch would have been somehow taken to the tree of life and touch that luminousness branches and get to understand about their beautifully rooted life and all that! I love what beautiful alien Neytiri said: Mother Na'vi does not take sides - she only cares about the balance of life! I always disliked to see creatures of any kind being killed. And that's because I firmly believe that all creatures are fundamentally good, and that trough transformation they could reach their true given potential.

Well it was definitely worth seeing and this is one of the few movies I could watch over and over and over again. I'm already planning to see it in 3D.

I also got very inspired by this movie, spur to expand my imagination in my future art-works. It is mind blowing and I am really impressed how far imagination can get one. If you're an artist, you got to go see this movie! Oh those beautiful floating mountains with cascades overflowing into nothing, those light beings that spin when you touch them, ohhh those mushroom-like iridescent vegetation, the beautiful blue aliens with huge honey colored luminescent eyes...

Day 13, 341 days to go. Causing love within community

2010-01-23T23:45:00.005-05:00

Today I painted by bathroom blue. All by myself. At the beginning I had thoughts of quitting, it wasn't as simple as I imagined, but somehow everytime I have a brush in my hand I get into a trance like mood, where I just go on. As I like to say, it makes my heart sing. For sure my purpose has to do with beautifying the world.

Yesterday I caused something wonderful for my community. I convinced my neighbours to go on a date. They haven't been dating according to him for over 2 years. Man, that's a long time. It all started with me wanted to go see a movie with my husband without having to pay a babysitter. So I came up with the idea of trading dates time with our neighbors by taking turns on watching each other's kids. Our kids play together anyhow. Why not go have some fun while they do that? It was not that easy to get them enrolled, but after I started talking about romance and time passing by so fast, I had him on board. My husband talked to him today - he says now he's so excited to go on that date, that he cannot think of anything else all day! I smile. I'd wish my husband would be so excited about going on a date with me!

So we're going to see avatar in 3D. Hope it's good, I read it's 160 min, that is 2hr and 40 min!! I'll tell you tomorrow if it was worthy! Till later alligator.

Day 12, 342 days to go. About purpose in life

2010-01-22T23:21:00.021-05:00

I'm reading further into Sisters are cashing in. There're talks about having a purpose in life. Behind every job there's a grater purpose then getting paid. If you live from that purpose and you are a hairdresser there's the purpose of making people beautiful. Behind teaching is giving people literacy as an access to a better life, behind being a nurse is healing people. Behind every job, there's a grater purpose that motivates the doing and ultimately gives the having. When you live your life from the being way, the doing and the having will get aligned with that. Behind the peanut plantation worker there was a future president: Jimmy Carter. Make a difference while you make a living, by living from your purpose. What is your purpose? Good question to ask myself.

Very interesting distinctions in there: Income and wealth is not the same. Income is what you earn. Wealth is what you accumulate. Being wealthy is not just having lots of money but also being fulfilled. Having money only is called being rich. Being poor is not only having no money but also the mental attitude associated with not being capable to generate money.

Is not money that you really want, but the way they would make you feel. It's not even the house, the car, the perfect body that you want, but how you would feel inside it. That is what you're after. Be clear on what you really want.

Very interesting book.

Before I forget, SMS text “HAITI” to 90999 to donate $10 to Red Cross relief efforts. SMS text “YELE” to 501501 to Donate $5 to Yele Haiti’s Earthquake Relief efforts. Or SMS text "GIVE10" to 20222 to donate $10 to Direct Relief.

Day 10, 344 days to go. Once again, letting go of the past

2010-01-20T14:47:00.009-05:00

Had a terrible fight this morning with my husband. It followed the same familiar patterns: intense, destructive, out-of-nowhere. However, something was different today, very different, transformative, I would say. I sow it, right there, on the spot, clear as a day light: my creation. Was mine and I sow how I created chaos. Him taking part from it - was less important. I sow my disempowering action and knew I had to take responsibility. And so it stopped. It went away as quickly as it got there. We hugged and whispered sorry-s (that was a first) and I decided right in that moment that I'm not going to create a story from it this time. Tempted was I, oh yes. I had the perfect opportunity to look for what is wrong again. But I already knew that it would just prolong the chaos, building more barriers and deepening the gap in harmony.

"Whatever you resist persists". But how to let go? Taking responsibility, seeing the context and identifying past driven ways of being. Noticing that I am not my past unless I bring it in the present. All there is is now, now, now and now.

Every breath creates a world of possibilities. I get to wander: who am I as a possibility right now? Whatever I am, I get to choose.

I'm reading few good books these days: Sisters are cashing in by Marilyn French Hubard, Ask and it is given by Ester and Jerry Hicks and The three laws of performance by Steve Zaffron and Dave Logan - that I just got from library yesterday. They are all talking the same language, with second one more grounded on visualization as a tool of practicing being. Many interesting exercises in that book. First one is geared toward African American women but it could really be read by anyone and it's dealing with ways to live a fulfilling life at all levels. I will share more from these books in the near future.

Got some new projects in, gotta go finish them. See you later aligator.

Day 9, 345 days to go. Fitness and other considerations

2010-01-19T23:02:00.009-05:00

Today I managed to drag myself to gym. Yeah, I worked out heavy weights and some treadmill. The weather is getting better so there's no more viable excuse to stay indoors. Not that the gym is outdoor, but you get the point. How was it? Painful. But I did it anyhow. Then when I got on the bicycle I've fallen in a deep laziness, watching the huge plasma TV generously installed my apartment complex gym - so I decided to call it a quit. Still quite proud of myself for the 30 minutes spent there. Since I moved to Atlanta and there is no sidewalks to walk on, I feel that my muscles have atrophied, the only work out I get is when I decide on wearing high-heals!

I had my daughter at home for 2 days now - she's fighting this swollen lymph node or God knows what is it, so I fell behind on my scheduled routine. I have to add to my new year resolution: to acquire a new car - we only have one now and it's been insane to drive my hubby to and from work daily - it takes up to 2 hr of my time. At first I loved it but now I'm getting sick of it. I hate the beautiful scenery, the curves and ups and downs of the hilly road makes me nauseated and the great track songs I've collected for the road are irritating my hearing. I get back tired and ready to fill up on sugary things. I must find an afterschool program for my daughter, this fractionated day (she's getting back at 2pm) is driving me to procrastinate everything I want to start: I just won't have enough time.

Procrastinating - that's an interesting subject. Larry Stayton at Landmark invited us to consider that procrastination is the only thing that keeps us for getting what we want in life. Not circumstances, not upbringings, not education, nor any past related experiences. Just procrastination. Hmmm, that's a mind full of thought to meditate on.

In a while, crocodile...

Day 8, 346 days to go. Dare to dream big.

2010-01-18T14:30:00.002-05:00

I was sharing my thoughts on up-cycling this morning with my husband in the car on the way to work, and he gave me this great idea (one more proof on why is good to share, if you read my Saturday's posting). He is so consumed with all the issues in Haiti after the earth quake and he was wandering as I was talking about repurposing things for a final grater value, what can be done with all the concrete piles there, from all that ravels of constructions destruction. What if you could get it all together and make something from it? So there it came, a great idea: let's get a group of 20-30 sculptors, artists that deal with large scale public art, and create a monument, a "something" that would be the symbol of Haitian's re-creation and re-build. A symbol to be recognized around the world - like phoenix bird could recreate herself from her own ashes, reborn anew to live again - the same Haitian can re-invent themselves upon such tragedy. A monument that people would come to visit from all over the world, creating a much needed tourism industry, to see this monument made from collapsed debris. Wouldn't that be something?

Diana

Day 7, 347 days to go. The bucket list continued

2010-01-18T14:11:00.006-05:00

I have spent more time on creating my bucket list. Just thinking about it and dreaming on what I love to do, created a whole new space for me. I felt excitement, I got filled with enthusiasm and inspiration. This whole deal with writing daily is surprisingly working wanders, I am really growing into it. Somehow when you write you get clearer then when you just... think. So here it is, my bucket list continued:

4. ride in a hot air balloon
5. learn to play drums
6. run a marathon
7. visit Ghana's rainforest: Kukom National Park
8. read the top 50 novels of all times
9. become fluent in French and learn conversational Spanish
10. swim with dolphins
11. go scuba diving
12. fire walk
13. have a wedding ceremony in a white dress
14. fly first class
15. ride in a gondola in Venice, Italy
16. visit all 50 of the United States
17. ride one of the longest, scariest rollercoaster in the world
18. create something with a pottery wheel
19. try on surfing
20. earn a million dollars and give them away for charity
21. have my make-up professionally done
22. go up on a lighthouse
23. learn the basics of wine tasting and host a wine tasting party

to be continued...

Day 6, 348 days to go. About sharing and procrastination

2010-01-18T14:10:00.016-05:00

I did not post my daily writings for this weekend. Here they are:

Saturday - today I was a guest in my husband's Self Expression and Leadership Program at Landmark. Even if I got annoyed at first, thinking that it is just another introduction for landmark - it end up being a great experience. It did not follow a classic format and the sharing was very interesting. I got to witness the sharing "cause - effect" in practice and it was amazing. Someone I knew before (from the advanced course) asked me how is it going with my art and what is new. I have decided instantly to share what I was up to, thou I had been keeping that just to myself, as I was not clear where I was going with it yet. I shared that I am interested in up-cycling. It felt uncomfortable to share something that was not clear yet in my head and of course I got the unwanted question: "what is that and what are you doing with it?" But while I was mumbling something for an answer an amazing thing happened - someone sitting across the room heard our conversation and started splurging out all kind of information about it. Then 15 min later, when we were asked to introduce ourselves to participants we don't know - that person came to me and asked me how do I know about up-cycling and gave me a book title written by Tom Szachi, "Revolution in a bottle". After further research I did later that day, he turned out to be one of the main contributors to the up-cycling concept itself. Now how is that for a fruitful sharing! I am telling you, the more you share the more opportunities you open for yourself. And others.

With all that said I have decided from now on to share with whoever, whatever is going on with me. You may never know where you can get an important information, an ally, or a contributor to it.

Well I got to hear about some of the projects participants have taken on in this SELP course. Very interesting, from global green energy to community gardens, there were all kind of projects, of all sizes and all interests. One that was close to my heart was a foundation for freshly divorced single mothers: a place that would offer shelter for 3 to 6 months for single mothers and their children so they can have the breathing space and support system to put themselves on their feet again. I now how it is to be a single mother - I've been one since I gave birth until 5 years later, so I was excited to hear about a project like this. Further more, I decided I want to contribute to it and I am offering to assist with it by providing art classes for the children while the moms are out looking for work or whatever else.

So my conclusion for this day is share share share. Share with neighbors, friends, colleagues. Share at the school, at home, at cash register in supermarket. Share when travelling, share when sitting in a line. There cannot be enough sharing, when one's up to something, really.

By the way, I watched this documentary on Discovery about happiness being a function of relationships and socializing - and not a self created experience. But that in another post.

Diana

Day 5, 349 days to go. #7: career and skills

2010-01-15T16:15:00.008-05:00

Today I will be working on #7: career. I will be setting specific goals so it will get easy to keep track on the progress and also to clarify in my mind what I need to get done.

Many times I find myself in the position of not being able to take the steps I want in my career because I am missing some specific skills to get there. A year it's a lot of time so I could easily acquire those skills within this time frame without adding too much to my daily schedule. I have decided to add 45 min a day study time for acquiring new skills that I have been wanting to have for a while now: software skill as Adobe Flash (intermediate) and InDesign (beginner) and technical skills for photography (beginner). At this point I am going to self-teach myself these two with a mind opening that other opportunities my come up from this as I am getting deeper into them: like a class to take, or finding a mentor, an internship or a volunteering spot that would provide learning opportunities, so on. My mind is open, and I want to start with what I have already: my time, my brain and my willingness.

I have more skills that I would want to acquire and I will list them here as they come to mind: working on a Mac platform (never used it), Photoshop and Illustrator skills (advanced), interior design skills (beginner), up-cycling knowledge, video and animation knowledge, extended painting techniques as transfers and new mediums. Art history extended study, especially in contemporary art. I find it very helpful to be as specific as possible about what I want to acquire and keep expanding the list as my interest grows or shifts. Just putting it in the universe takes it from a virtual reality (my thoughts) to a physical reality: out on a paper or per this case in my blog, where anyone could read it and so become part of my desired reality. The more people you share with, the more real it becomes.

Now I am thinking to have it divided in specific slots of each week, so I can easily keep track of it. It will be quite difficult to set a structure in as now my schedule is uneven and chaotic. But it will set in as I will get it going. I will be taking 45 minutes every weekday to study Flash and I will pick after lunch time. If I fall back for any reason, I should be caching up with it the next days, by adding extra time to the dedicated time slot. If by any reason it becomes impossible to catch up with it, I will just carry on with the regular program - I want to be studying with pleasure and enthusiasm, not to force myself down with unpleasant homework time. Weekends will be dedicated to study photographic techniques, and as it's weekend it can happen at any time of the day. I will be doing internet research and also look up some books and magazines. Part of it is exploration with the camera itself. I am interested in learning everything my camera can do, I have a Sony DSC-H50 and also composition techniques. As long as I get 1hr and 30 min done every weekend, it will not matter if I do it all at once or divided between the two days. I will research others that use this camera and connect with a community to share with. By the end of the year I should be learning enough to be able to capture images that I many time fantasies of.

I am starting right away. So flash and photography it is for now. As I go through this I will share what are my finds and insights on keeping with the schedule. The willingness is there an the commitment also. Now the action itself is required.

What is most important to me right now is to have fun and enjoy life while making dreams come true. No heavy duty self imposed tortures. If it will become that I will re-evaluate my dreams, to see why is occurring like that.

Keep in touch and have a wonderful weekend!

By the way, my immediate family in Haiti is well and healthy so it's been a great blessing to be that lucky. Hold on in there, my prayers and thoughts are with you all day.

Diana

Day 4, 350 days to go. Life - the source of all possibilities

2010-01-15T00:02:00.010-05:00

Still into the incredible devastation in Haiti, this is so painful to watch. Bodies thrown on top of each other. The in-laws of my brother-in-low have passed away under their crushed home, it is a problem to find where to burry them. He's also looking for their daughter, his sister-in-law. My husband's family is fine, amazingly lucky. What is next for them is hard to comprehends at this point. Still, hope remains.

I went to work from the office today but it was hard to focus. My mood was swinging and had strong sugar cravings. I had conversations with a colleague about faith, life after death and the futility of life lived in the future. We talk a lot at landmark about taking the past from our present , but it seems that a life lived in the future is not much different then that. Under the contemplation of life as perishable, everything seems different. If I would have only a year to live, what would I do? Would I have the same resolutions? Some say live your life like there is no tomorrow. I don't necessarily agree with that, under the pressure of the imminent end, I may not choose to do what I really want. I've been contemplating about this before. If this would be my last day, I would probably spend it making sure my kids would be taking care of, and fly them over to Romania to be under my parent's care and spend all day in transit and contacting layers to put it in writing, while preparing them and writing letters for loved ones to have and find a comfort in after I'm gone. I would not want to live each day as there is no tomorrow, as that would only bring extreme measures and not true authentic actions.

So I would say to live my life like there is time but there's nothing more important then the now. Peel off all the unnecessary matters, be authentic and accept what is so. Then love. Open up. Share. Laugh. Cry. Be.

My interaction with my husband is different since I am talking more and more responsibility for my own emotional being. The less I request of him (in my mind) to give me, the more the relationship transforms into something else, something calmer, smoother, and less complicated. I am torn between to "let it go" and to "expect". Just had a mini-revelation and it's ridiculous how simple it is: the more I focus on what's wrong, the more of it I see. Right? So why not focus on what's right instead, so I can get to see more of what is working good.

With that in mind, I go to sleep, in the smell of acetone from the neighbor apartment that just got the bathtub renovated. But let me think of late summer smell instead, ocean breeze and hot sand, coconut lotion and mint julep.

Good night, be safe and hang it there.

Diana

Day 3, 351 days to go. Re-evaluating life

2010-01-13T20:00:00.017-05:00

Since the news about the earthquake in Haiti, where my husband's family lives, the time is passing very slowly, with no news from that side. Listening to CNN all day and feeling empathetic with strangers in such a devastating crisis, made me reevaluate what is essential in life. Obviousely the most prized possession one can have is life itself, without it everything is vain. But in the midst of life itself, caught up in mental processes, the essence of it all is forgotten: struggling with unnecessary unhappiness and disempowering thoughts. I forget that I am alive and that life is the source of all possibilities.

If I am to lose all I have tomorrow, what would I think about my struggles now? If I would be to live just one more day, how would my problems now occur? I live like there is time when all I really have is "now". With no power to rearrange the past, I am driven and consumed by fantasmas of a future that I wish to control and manipulate, forgetting about the only thing important: my life is "now".

It struck me that I am actually so happy. I know it sounds weird but it hit me that I already have everything I need. I take a deep breath and feel the pleasure of oxygen filling my expanding lungs. I take a moment to get present to my body and I can feel my heart beat in the veins of my temples, and some tingling sensations in my fingertips and feet. I feel the comfort of resting deeply in the chair, and the fluffiness of the carpet on my feet plant. I feel the pleasant warmth of my sweater hugging my torso. I close my eyes and relax, contemplating this thought: I am alive. I am this beautiful machinery that works hard every second trough incomprehensible processes to keep me living: my muscles, my tissue, my cells. I smile. A flash back comes to mind, how a stranger smiled to me the other day at the entrance to the library and how good it felt to connect like that for just one fraction of a second.

Life is beautiful and awe-some.

Day 2, 352 days left to go. Getting started with the work.

2010-01-12T10:58:00.019-05:00

I'm looking for a countdown widget to add here. Until then, I'll post it in the title. I have also created a twitter account - see in the right side of the blog - you are welcome to follow me and see how my days are going in a short version!

So this is the second day since my newly created resolution. Even if I went to bed so late, I had a good night sleep and woke up in an excellent mood. Apparently creating new year resolutions is good for the soul. You should try it too! I'm very excited about this new year!

I'm going to start the journey by talking about and playing around my 16 items on the 2010 resolution list. I will share my insights, plans, perspective and new finds by going in more details on each. There will be no specific order, I'll go as it comes to me natuarally. So here we go.

Looking at no. 2 on my list, which is a healthy bodily weight, my plan is to create new smart eating habits as oppose to dieting. I get that in order to have the desired weight I have to constantly take care of what I am putting in my body, nutritionally speaking. That healthy habits are about balance, variety and moderation. So I've already started - few days ago - to make different choices. Part of the plan is more fresh, more vegetables and fruits, less meat (I'm a huge meat lover), minimal junk food and drastically reducing sugar consumption. All this in regular meals, at least 3 a day: breakfast, lunch, dinner. But most importantly it has to be fun, interesting and diverse. I like to try new things, so that is another way I'm planning to "spice it up".

What I noticed with myself is that the start is hard, but after few days, it's starts snow-balling. The more I stick with the plan, the easier it gets to follow. Starting is very hard thou, procrastinating is a big problem. I would find many reasons to delay or postpone.

Another issue could be falling off the track. I could get easily discouraged when I relapse in old habits. I am choosing this time to be more patient and understanding with myself, in a loving kindly manner, so if I stumble, to not make a big deal out of it. To be honest right now I'm proud of myself for just trying! Yeah, you go girl, wohooo!

So far so good. I've been grilling a lot, and rekindling long forgotten romanian childhood recipes. I found this great Farmers Market in Smyrna - it's not vey close but it's worth it - it's cheap and you can find almost anything you want in terms of fresh produce, stuff that you won't find in a regular supermarket. It's called Cobb International Farmer Market and it's on 2350 Spring Rd SE. If any of you knows better places to shop for fresh local products, or maybe a co-op to join, please do let me know!

I've cooked so far roasted eggplant salad (you grill them until soft, peel out the skin and then you mash them with the blender with oil, salt and egg yogg until creamy), roasted bell peppers (oh I love those, you peel them off and marinate them in balsamic vinegar with just a drop of honey), spinach saute, vegetable soup. For desert - I have a sweet tooth - I got some sugarless coffee ice-cream, which I doubt it's a healthy choice, but that's the best I could think of. I wish I would learn to make my own home-made ice-cream. Any recipes?

Yeah so on #2 I'm on track. No 3, the fit active life style is a "beach". Especially now that is so cold outside! There is a shinny new gym on this property and a tennis court (and I just got tennis rackets for everybody on Christmas), but that gym is shy to see me. I can't go today cause I'm - hey guys close your eyes here - at that time of the month, so it's not a pretty idea.

Teaching my kids Romanian is another pain in the you-know-what. Thou my oldest one spent her first 4 years of life in Romania - she has already lost the language, and that is because I am not speaking it with her no more. I know no Romanians here, so not having one to conversate with it's been the cause of it. How do I get the little one that is almost 3 to learn it - no idea. But I bet there is a way. I believe a year to achieve this is do-able, don't you think?

It's exciting to be starting my bucket list! Here's from the top of my head:

1. bungee-jumping or sky-diving
2. meeting with an A list celebrity, like Oprah, Michelle Obama, Larry King or Jesse Ventura (I would have said Michael Jackson but he's dead now) and having a real conversation with them. Not just chit-chat.
3. see the aurora-borealis
to be continued

Gonna go now, tomorrow I may write about career stuff, I am molding over some new thoughts. See you later alligator!

Diana

New year, New everything - oh yeahhh! 2010 Resolution List

2010-01-12T00:55:00.051-05:00

So I haven't been writing lately. And not because I had nothing to say or I was busy - but because I was upset. I have concluded that people at Landmark talk the talk but do not walk the walk. I did not want to be part of that so I stopped writing. (If you think I'm talking about you, stop. Make it mean something else ;-))

Now it took me a while to realize the evident - that this is my blog and what people at Landmark do or don't do - is not to be let to interfere with my stuff. So here I am again. New year, new resolution. Isn't it interesting that a new "something" is easier to start and always looks more doable then revamping an old thing? New year, new week, new resolutions... And it always seems better to wait to start on a Monday (especially on diets, lol).

So this is mine: I will be writing everyday day, for 353 days, until December 31st 2010. And this time I will not speak "Landmartian", I will not try to give advices or be righteous, nor showcase my Landmark knowledge. This time is about real life, with real experiences. I'll write about my life and how I get what I think I want. My new year resolution is: to get my life to have what I say I want - within this year. Get it all. All that I am complaining for years, over and over, that is missing. And that is:

1. a happy, fun-filled, deep-connected, truly-intimate relationship with the significant one
2. a healthy bodily weight, which for me is somewhere between 130 and 140 lbs
3. an active, fit life style that includes but not limited to nature-trips, hiking, biking, roller-skating, swimming, playing tennis, rock-climbing, dancing
4. an enhanced and effective communication with my parents and close relatives
5. a close-bounded relationship with my two children, where domination and controlling is replaced with discipline, playfulness, camaraderie and patience
6. teaching my kids to speack Romanian - by the end of the year to cary a fluent coversation in Romanian
7. a fulfilling professional life consisting in art exhibitions and interesting projects regulary, and new exciting opportunities within design related areas (graphic design as well as interior design - upcycling)
8. increasing finances, by conviently getting income in - to effortlessly cover all my personal and family related expenses plus a surplus to be saved for retirement, kids college and for traveling purposes
9. creating a community around family and also around career related areas
10. creating new friendships while reinforcing old ones, building steadily a strong and stable support system
11. traveling to new places like the Grand Canyon, Golf of Mexico and California
12. starting a bucket list and accomplishing at least two items from it
13. experiencing giving myself fully to love, with no conditions, no reservations, no guilt or regrets
14. feeling and being at peace with myself, manifested trough acceptance of what is so, self love, relatedness and easy goingness
15. contributing to others in ways that makes a noticeable positive difference
16. being playful and laughing a lot

That's it, that is my new year resolution. I have 353 days left to accomplish all on my list. This blog will be about my journey there, with ups and downs as it comes. I will talk about what inspires me as well as about what stopes or delays me. What works and what doesn't work.

Wish me luck!

Diana

Ask for What You Want Without Fear of Rejection

2010-01-06T16:43:00.006-05:00

By Noreen Sumpter

Having the ability to ask for what you want brings with it the opportunity to have what the world has to offer, if you believe that you can receive what you ask for. Some people are really excellent at asking and getting what they want because they believe that they can. Others see these people as extremely lucky. However, luck has very little to do with knowing what you want and asking for it.
Being able to ask for what you want is a very important self-survival tool. In the past, you had to fight for what you wanted. Today, the tools are knowing how to find the right person, place or thing and pulling out the big gun, which is asking. Many people are held back because they do not know how to ask for the things that they want, desire or need. They are fearful of asking for information, directions or assistance. They are fearful of asking for a date, or asking for support, money to finance a project, help with a concern, or a pay raise that would make life better. They are blocked by fear of looking stupid and feeling needy. But you can ask for anything you want. A kiss, a cuddle, sex, attention, time, loyalty, fidelity, if you can think of it you can ask for it.

However, a big question when it comes to asking, is: will you ask? One of the things that many are guilty of at some point in life until the lesson is learned is that no one can truly read a mind. In fact, no one should ever have to read minds. It is not fair to others nor is it fair to you. Either way it is never a good use of time trying to figure out what another person is thinking unless you ask what it is that is being thought of, then they can choose to tell either tell you or not. However, do not ever ask or infer that another person should be reading your mind. No one can ever know exactly what you want until they ask and you tell them. The fear of asking for something that would make your life and dreams better is best avoided like a plague.

If the fear of feeling silly, foolish and needy is making you flinch from asking, then the fear of rejection makes you fear to ask for what you want. Many of us are deathly afraid of rejection. However, this death blow of rejection is something that you make up and give to yourself. It one of the many reasons you tell yourself when you have just heard the word 'no' by the person you asked out on a date, or in fact by anyone. 'No' is all you heard, nothing else. Then as if that was not enough, there comes the 'if only' part of the rejection.

"If only I was 20lbs lighter, if only my hair was blonde, if only I was 5'10, if only I was a smarter, if only I had a better car, if only I had a better apartment, if only I lived on the other side of town... he/she would have gone out on the date with me." So we now judge ourselves as fat and undesirable, as poor, with the wrong hair color, or living on the wrong side of town. The rejection can go on forever, and force us into a life where you never ask another person out again. The fear of rejection is the obsession you make up and tell yourself before you ask a question, and the 'no' just provides you with the evidence of what you believed about yourself in the first place.

What is not realized is that the rejection occurred way before you asked the question. Because you did not believe in yourself enough by believing that you are good enough as you are. It is important when you want something to believe you are good enough to get it instead of assuming that you are not going to get it. You have to be willing to take a risk to ask for what you want or need. So what if the person you ask says no. What have you lost? You've lost nothing. If you want something be persistent and ask again.

You have to be willing to ask for what you want, whether it is a raise, a day off, longer lunch break, a discount, a date, a contract, a deal. Whatever it is you want, start by asking and expect that you will get it. Also, be willing to ask again if you do not get it.

Asking is a release. To receive anything that we want we have to ask for it. The power is in the asking, and in the expectation that you will receive what it is you're asking for. Asking affects everything else. It affects your body posture, eye contact, voice and tone and even your choice of words. When you ask with expectation that you will get that which you're asking for, your way of being gets into alignment with the expectation. A great practice would be to ask yourself three questions...

If I were getting what I want:

• How would I be being?

• What would I be feeling?

• What would I be doing?

Consequently, sometimes you might not get what it is that you're asking for. But the mere fact that you're asking, gives you the opportunity to receive valuable opportunities and insights, and to learn to ask again and again until you get what you want. "Never stop asking."

Integrity: Without It Nothing Works

2009-12-29T14:07:00.005-05:00

I found a great article on integrity today. Here are some glimpses from it:

"An individual is whole and complete when their word is whole and complete, and their word is whole and complete when they honour their word."

"There is confusion between integrity, morality and ethics. (...) Integrity in our model is honoring your word. As such integrity is a purely positive phenomenon. It has nothing to do with good vs. bad, right vs. wrong behavior. Like the law of gravity the law of integrity just is, and if you violate the law of integrity as we define it you get hurt just as if you try to violate the law of gravity with no safety device."

Integrity: A state or condition of being whole, complete, unbroken, unimpaired, sound, in perfect condition.
Morality: In a given society, in a given era of that society, morality is the generally-accepted standards of what is desirable and undesirable; of right and wrong conduct, and what is considered by that society as good or bad behaviour of a person, group or entity.
Ethics: In a given group, ethics is the agreed upon standards of what is desirable and undesirable; of right and wrong conduct; of what is considered by that group as good and bad behaviour of a person, group or entity that is a member of the group, and may include defined bases for discipline, including exclusion.

In their paper the authors discuss the costs of lacking integrity and the fallacy of using a cost/benefit analysis when deciding whether to honor your word. Key concepts include:

- The personal and organizational benefits of honoring one's word are huge—both for individuals and for organizations—and generally unappreciated.
- We can honor our word in one of two ways: by keeping it on time and as promised, or if that becomes impossible, by owning up to the parties counting on us to keep our word in advance and cleaning up the mess our failure to keep our word creates in their lives.
- By failing to honor our word to ourselves, we undermine ourselves as persons of integrity, and create "unworkability" in our lives.
- Integrity is a necessary but not sufficient condition for maximum performance.
- There are unrecognized but significant costs to associating with people and organizations that lack integrity.

See "Integrity: A Positive Model that Incorporates the Normative Phenomena of Morality, Ethics and Legality" / Authors: Werner Erhard , Michael C. Jensen , Steve Zaffron

Take responsibility for "getting it". Then be "it".

2009-12-26T00:55:00.047-05:00

Everything at Landmark gravitates around "getting it". Many participants and graduates have a love/hate relationship with "getting" the Landmark work. They worry and put pressure on themselves to "get it", they get excited when they think they "got it" and they take pride and begin coaching others when they are convinced they are constantly "getting it". And on top of it all, they give Landmark the credit for getting it - or they discredit the program's efficiency if they think they didn't get it.

I've caught myself many times being carried away in all that. However the more I looked at it, the clearer it became that "getting it" is my prerogative. "Getting it" is my responsibility. Further more, "getting it" is not just whitin my personal capability but also my attainment, production and triumph. And if there is anyone or anything to acknowledge for "getting it" - is myself. Landmark is but a tool to use (or not), a carrier, a messenger, a transporter. That is very clear by looking at the facts: under the same program participants "get" different things. However, I believe it is critical that one assumes responsibility for getting it, as well as acknowledges himself for that. Because that way one gets to reach and explore the power within by owning it. Landmark is great for providing an environment in which one can reach that power, but you, YOU are the real creator of whatever you are "getting".

Which takes me to this really enlightening conversation I had with one of the leaders at Landmark. We were talking about the eternal question "who am I?" and it came out that there is no definitive answer to that question. Who am I is not something to be discovered, but it is something that I create. Really powerful. I create who I am. And it's an ongoing process, not a one time deal. I get to create myself over and over and over again. Mostly by choice, I would say, regardless if consciously involved in the process or not. I am the cause in the matter of who I am. Do I have absolute control on what is happening? No. Do I have a choice on how to relate to what is happening? Yes! I am in charge to create that. Would choosing how-to-relate-to-what-is-happening make a difference? Absolutely. Is the difference between being a victim-of and being in-charge.

Being the cause in the matter of who I am is radical to the way I relate to myself. It puts the action in my side of the court. If I want an extraordinary relationship per say, I am to be extraordinary. If I want an reinvented life, I am to reinvent myself. And so on. You want a better job? Be a better (employee). You wish for miracles in your marriage? Be the miracle. You want to create a "big scale" project? Enroll "big" people in your project. You have a yearn for something? Be it. Be the cause in the matter of what you are looking for and you will get it.

Cheers!
Diana Toma

Taking Responsibility Takes Courage and Commitment

2009-12-20T14:15:00.002-05:00

By Noreen Sumpter

To some people life seems to be moving so quickly, they cannot seem to keep up with it. They are being pushed and pulled in multitude of directions. They feel as though they have no choice and are just reacting to circumstances by trying to avoid one crisis after another. They spend a lot of time pretending to be someone or something that they are not. Lacking confidence in their ideas, thoughts, and perceptions, of themselves they worry that people won’t like them, and that they will not fit in. They do have enough of this or that. They do not have to have the right look or the right things in order to fit in. They are not taking responsibility and plotting their own course.

Being yourself takes courage and responsibility; it takes courage and commitment to fulfill on the things that are important to you. One of the steps to fulfilling what you want is to take responsibility for yourself and your life. That means not blaming anyone for your shortcomings or inaction. Blaming others and things does nothing for you, except fill you with excuses, doubt and no results.
Taking responsibility for what happens to you in your life helps you to recognize that you are the creator of all that happens in your life and that you are the cause of all your experiences. If you really want to live your life fully you have to give up blaming, complaining and take responsibility. Taking responsibility gives you a feeling of power and freedom. You are no longer a victim of your circumstances. Your circumstances are just that, circumstances, and you have the power to challenge and transform them into results that you want when you give up the blame game.

Freedom from blaming, allows you a variety of ways to overcome your challenges by giving yourself the freedom to determine how your life is going to go. What questions you want to ask. Where do you want to go and how you are going to get there. You start to believe in yourself. You start to self validate, and begin to feel really powerful.

If you want to be successful in anything, you have to take 100% responsibility for everything you want to experience in your life. You have to take responsibility for everything: relationships, your health, your income, bills, and feelings. Taking responsibility is not easy, but it is powerful. Have a look through your life and see the areas that you are taking responsibility for and how successful they are. You know the areas you have neglected. What are your results?

Noreen Sumpter

hey landmark leaders, what are you listening for?

2009-12-19T00:53:00.049-05:00

Went to a dinner party today and found out that one of the guests there did landmark 10 years ago. She said was great and then turned to her husband to say: remember that cultish thing we did 10 years ago about soul searching and all that? Apparently the husband did not remember that he did it. Lol - is that me 10 years from now?

I can totally get that "cultish" impression. You know, all that talk about this being the only place one knows where you get such value. The use of language in an unconventional way. The charismatic leader. The assisting, as a way to get value for yourself. The zealous disciples working hard at getting you in.

Which got me thinking, what are you listening for in your environment?

My seminar leader was saying in one of the sessions that he did not relate to us as being bold leaders. It was an excellent sharing, which opened up for me new ways of being. It occurs to me that most landmark aspiring leaders listen rather for coaching opportunities, then for leadership/partnership. Hey'all leaders, what are you listening for?

I was having a conversation today at landmark about 'sharing' and 'enrolment'. It surprised me that 'sharing' came out to be seen as something that happens only within a predefined structure, like a seminar or a course, or within a small group consisting of your coach, listening buddy and couple of other designated people to support you with that. Like a lab kind of a structure. Like a sterile place made for "scientific research". If I share with 5 that's good enough! I mean that's fine if you're playing the game of keeping it small. But isn't landmark about playing the big game, ultimately at the world level? What would have happened if Dr. King would have said: I have a dream - but I'll share it only with my 5 "lab" buddies. I asked a question today: would you want to enroll me in your possibility? "Nope" BOOM!! came the answer. Enrolment - causing possibilities to be present for another such that they are touched moved and inspired. If you don't want to enroll others in your possibilities, why bother creating them? Isn't a possibility, in landmark's vision, inclusive of all, not just yourself or your small immediate group?

When you enroll one in your possibility, their enrolment will spread out like mushrooms after rain. And trough that - your possibility becomes real. Hey bold leaders out there, without enrollment there's no spreading around. Let's be the cause in the matter of what we're creating and let it spread up and about.

"I'm starting with the man in the mirror,
I'm asking him to choose his ways,
No message could have been any clearer,
If you wanna make the world a better place,
Take a look at yourself and make that ... choice."

Love,
Diana Toma

Boy, Love hurts when your heart is not open

2009-12-16T17:43:00.005-05:00

By Noreen Sumpter

I love lessons of unconditional love. I love the idea and the practice of keeping my heart open. I’ve know what it feels like when my heart isn’t open. It took me a long time to develop the courage to open my heart and admit when it was closed or shut down. Boy would I hurt.

There was a time in my life when I could not be happy. I could do happy, but I couldn’t be happy, I did not understand the concept. Doing happy allowed me to fill my time up with things cause I didn’t want to hear the noises in my thoughts. Whereas being happy is just that being happy, it consists of being present, even if I am experiencing a sad situation, I am still able to be happy. What I saw in my life was I didn’t have clear boundaries and no sense of balance. I didn’t know how much of myself I could give or how much felt right to give. I felt split, half of me felt one way the other half another way. I was afraid and fear had me separate in all my communications and relationships, I didn’t really trust myself and thus, I did not trust people and that caused me to only see the bad in people. When I got down to the truth of the matter, what I seeing was my reflection.

My reflections had me fearing the love in me and left me being critical, judgmental, assessing, always in a defensive posture. The results I received from my mental gymnastics were:
· Not being good enough. No matter how well I did,
· I did not work hard enough and I never had enough was my truth.
· I was not this enough that enough, pretty enough. Tall enough
· Etc.,

My fears were pervasive, no matter what was going on in my life. I have since discovered that with self love I am stronger. I enjoy myself. I am accepting of people, I choose to love freely.
Letting go of the expectations I created was a valuable and difficult lesson. The difficulty in these lessons was realizing that I was reluctant to play my part in building relationships and connections. I had to admit that I had no idea of how to consciously connect with others, I always thought connections came from others not me. I loved connecting with people on all levels. But I was not sure how to do it. I often felt empty and dry. My defensiveness had me feel like I could go off in any moment; I was always quick to kills off relationships and then suffer in silence and or anger. Letting go of expectations I had of myself and others, I’ve also learned and developed self love and I am still learning about the reservoir of love. Loving myself unconditionally meant that I had to create a personal set of values and boundaries which I could share; the lesson with that became clear was that no one but me has to respect them. As long as I have my values and boundaries intact I’m able to love and interact with others from a place of complete freedom. There is a statement that I love and is used in popular culture and it is “Live out Loud. I used to be loud, but I was not living. I am still loud and now I am living. I now see myself as a warm safe place of people to land where people can just be themselves. I am now a source of love instead of waiting for others to be the source.

Noreen Sumpter

Using the un-usable - a way of living your life in complete acceptance

2009-12-15T15:46:00.024-05:00

I had this great conversation today with one of my friends back in Brooklyn, NY (yeah, I'm mentioning Brooklyn because I miss it!!). She is a life coach and happens to be the first person who told me about Landmark Edu. Anyhow, among lots of great things we shared, one thing stick to my hearing and really made me expand my universe.

I was acknowledging how uninspired I am lately in my art, I go to my studio and it's like I have nothing to say. Nothing, zero, null, empty. I was so ready to get back in the zone of "feeling guilty", "something's wrong with me" and to top it all with "I'm wasting my precarious finances to pay this studio rent when I have nothing to say". So I'm having this conversation with my friend and she says: well if that is so, you should go there and use that in your creations. Use the "I have no inspiration" to create something. Maybe just write it over and over again, just play with it.

As ridiculous it may have sounded, that hit me like a 2 miles long meteor.How cool is that, using your uninspired thoughts as inspiration? That's really cool, because it would have me there, doing what I love to do, creating, even when is nothing (occurring so) to create from. Instead of letting the non-workability throw you off your commitments, how cool and amazing would be to use "the un-usable" to get you where you are going? That for me is living in complete acceptance with your life. Using the un-usable. Accepting the "what is so" without resisting it.

That would be a smart way of using the tools Landmark gave us and make a meaning that would work for us out of any situation. I remember my leader in NYC saying to us before the dinner break on Sunday evening: "now go out there and if you can't get yourself to order something healthy, get the French fries and make them mean you're eating broccoli!" We could do the can't we? Make a new meaning out of any situation that would work "for us", as oppose to "against us".

Which also make me think of the placebo effect, do you know that your brain would have the capacity of making hair grow on your bold scalp, if only you believe it would? There are also statistics showing that sham treatments can cure a wide array of severe diseases like cancer and Parkinson's, and new research shows placebos can also benefit patients who do not have faith in them.

Just think about it, how could You use the un-usable? Which areas in your life you feel stuck and un-inspired? What could you make them mean, so they would work for you?

Well, I for once I'm getting inspired by my un-inspiration! And if you need to get a hold of me, I'll be creating my first series of un-inspired artworks (lol), 5 minutes from downtown Atlanta, in my B-Complex studio!

Love,
Diana Toma

At what point wanting to make things work becomes forcing an outcome?

2009-12-14T13:10:00.019-05:00

Some things are clear. Like my marriage is a boat on rapid waters. Like I am working really hard at being responsible for what I've created. Like making constant conscious decisions of being in integrity with my word. Yet when my husband says he lost his willingness to work things out I stopped to wander: at what point wanting to make things work becomes forcing an outcome?

What we've been left off with, at the last seminar session, was to listen to people's commitment. So I try to do that. I listen to my husband's commitment to be happy. And I ask myself: who am I as a stand for him?

That's it for today. If you want an opportunity to make a difference in one's life, post a comment or open a new topic. You may never know who out there is ready to listen to your commitment. I for once, am.

With love,
Diana Toma

What is important in your life?

2009-12-13T01:44:00.002-05:00

Yesterday (it's after midnight) I had one of those days that in the past I would characterize it as a "bad day". But as I don't think in "good" and "bad" terms anymore, I will just say: it was a day with some missed opportunities. My hubby and I would not get on the same page. I've been "forced" to contemplate integrity again, and noticed how easy it comes to be out of it. Like a second nature, like an old habit that dies hard. Old strategies, familiar ways, they just had the best of me.

If integrity is the opportunity of being who we are already, which is whole and complete, why is so damn hard to just be it, to be your word?

Well it happened that I decided to go see a movie tonight and after getting bored 10 minutes into "Old Dogs" I switched for "Brothers". Excellent movie, really good. While I'm not going to get into the subject matter, I have to say that it was brilliant at clearly showing that what's important in one's life differs tremendously up to the provided content and context. Which made me wander: what is important in my life? To be truthful, it's ridiculous how small I sow myself to be playing my life. I've been playing really small. So tiny little petty small that it's not even worth the word "important".

Who am I being in my life, what am I doing with my life?

Scrambling between financial worries, my last conversation with my husband and what's there next for my daily entertainment, I do not even dare to dream no more. It's all forgotten between disempowering arguments and the bill for my barely used art studio downtown Atlanta. "I have a dream" said Dr King and changed the history. What dreams do I have? Are they worthy of my life? I got to tell you, I had this clarity within myself that whatever is on my plate now, will sort itself out, if I just switch attention away from it to what's important in my life. What's there right now is not really worthy of my life. What I sow for myself is that I am not just a role: a wife, a mother, a woman, a worker, but I am what holds it all possible, the hearing of what's being talked, the awareness of it all, the possibility of a possibility. With that in mind, I'm going to sleep saying to myself: I am making a request of "you" to dream. Do "you" decline or accept?

Much love,
Diana Toma

So I've graduated the Breakthroughs seminar series. Now what?

2009-12-11T22:16:00.001-05:00

It's all in the past now. The forum in New York City, advanced course here in Atlanta, and now the breakthroughs seminar series. Wow, what an end for the year. I have to admit it's been quite an experience. And as much as I love to keep looking back and recollect moments and people, there is a question that just can't stop popping out on top of it all: now what? If you've seen Finding Nemo, that is the ending line of the last scene: all fishes from the tank have finally managed to escape into the ocean, after great challenges... the only problem is they escaped in tied up water balloons and now floating in the ocean without being part of it.

So now we're out in the world, back to business, but is it as usual? I've realized by being a communicator within the seminar series that having often conversations with people about this work we've been doing here, it really helps create a space where one is getting it for himself. So here I am, doing just that.

One of the things that I got to work on during these programs at Landmark was the relationship with my hubby. If you know Katy Perry's song, Hot N Cold, you got the kind of relationship we have. From one of the conversations I had with a Landmark leader, it came out that if something in your relationship is not working out for yourself, there is somewhere you have been out of integrity. A lot to contemplate on with just that. Being in integrity as in being your word. And if you recall - all there is to do when integrity is out, is to restore it. Sounds all pretty clear and easy but still, there's something missing, I think. Now that is clear that we both have been out of integrity since the very beginning, a new question is arising: who are we in integrity, really? And within integrity, do we still want to make the same choices we made when we've been out of it?

What I could say for now is that we are strangers to each other's true integrity. We've been adding for years layers on top of layers of inauthenticity. Who am I as my word? If my word was yes when my integrity was silently wishing no, and I've been building on top of that, what do I do now with all what I've created? How do I restore it when literary lives have been created out of no-integrity?

Maybe it's as easy as saying: I don't know. I don't know what to do and I don't know who I am. And I may begin with: I know who I'm not. I'm not that person who says yes when it's no, or no when it's really yes, not anymore.

For now, we've decided to begin creating "the constitution of our relationship". Yeah, just the way the constitution of America was created: so that we should have basic guide lines for all involved to follow. And as the Framers, we know that our creation will not be perfect. That we want to make it possible to alter it, without the need of a revolution. To make sure that it would not be too hard to re-edit, but also, that won't be too easy either.

With love, will keep you posted.
Diana Toma